Tired of being a pawn in someone else’s game?
Yeah right! You finally figured out they never appreciated your efforts, and you’ve lost track of who you truly are.
Well, it happens, and you’re not alone.
They never liked you as much as you liked them. They never cared. You neglected your entire self just to end up being the victim.
Thank goodness you’re here! Let’s learn some really important tips so we can finally be free from their clutches and end our people-pleasing ways for good!
It’s a never ending circle and now is not the time to point fingers at anyone. In my previous post, 5 Hidden Secrets Of a People Pleaser (Revealed) we learnt some really interesting and important reasons why our imaginary friend Mariam pleased everyone around her and she also shared some valuable lessons and I think you might be interested to check them out. Click here..
Kindness Vs People Pleasing
Kindness, which is defined as being helpful, gentle, caring, and nice, is not the same as pleasing others. People pleasing means you're constantly seeking approval from others, and since you're scared of being rejected, you're willing to go out of your way to please people. You are afraid of conflict, so you suck in your desires and wants to ensure that everyone else is pleased and at peace with you.
The thought of it aches so badly. Every person you've ever connected with has taken advantage of you. Most times, we adhere to parents' instructions—some of which go against our will and our life's purpose —and note; parents may also take advantage of your fragility and your respect for them. Other times, friends, acquaintances, partners, and colleagues may have also taken your weakness for granted. But this is not a curse but rather let’s take advantage of the lessons we’ve learnt thus far.
Recurrent Signs of People Pleasers
These are the most reoccurring signs of a people-pleaser, and this will help you evaluate and reevaluate your life if you’re experiencing any of them:
You avoid conflict at all costs, be it at home, work, or wherever.
You worry about what other people think of you.
You’re scared of expressing your feelings and generally cannot say “no” to things that inconvenience you or go against your will.
You lie all the time. You lie about who you truly are, just to fit into other people’s schedules and needs.
You're constantly saying sorry. Apologizing for things you don't need to, or when you're found in the most inconvenient situation, you blame yourself. You feel like the room's burden.
You struggle and suffer from low self-esteem, anxiety, a lack of self-confidence, and a lack of self-validation.
So you seek approval from everyone. What people say defines who you are and what you will do. You allow them to use you as a pawn in their own game.
Your personality changes depending on who you are around. You change your personality to fit others merely because you want everyone to like or think you're awesome.
You overcommit and lose your true self.
You always play nice, because you're afraid of being labeled as selfish.
Setting boundaries makes you scared of being alone. So you let people in, and they constantly take you for granted.
Ways To Overcome The Desire Of People Pleasing
Think of yourself as the queen or king of your own kingdom. Rule your kingdom and align with your higher self, and you’ll realize no one else matters but you. There’s more;
Be unapologetic and say “no.": Don’t feel sorry; plus, you owe nobody an apology or explanation. Your values and worth diminish in a split second when you do. By saying "no,” you’re setting healthy boundaries with your unique self, and you’ll be waving toxicity out of your life for good!
How do I know when to say “no"?
Ask yourself these simple questions, and then you’ll know.
a) Do I really want it?
b) Will this decision benefit me, or will it feel like a burden?
c) Am I being pressured?
The point is to learn to be unapologetically selfish. (Do what’s best for you.)
You First. Put your needs first, and that’s not being entirely selfish: This might not be an easy task if you’re a chronic people-pleaser, but you’ve got to try. Your needs and wants are valid. Take some time to enjoy your life and protect your desires and how they make you feel. Learn to accept this new change. No one actually cares about or prioritizes your needs above theirs. So don’t compromise and think about your integrity and mental health when you’re upfront with a request by someone next time.
Save Apologies for When Necessary: If only we could bite our tongue or care less about unnecessary things that make us spit out sorry all the time. Save your sorries and worries for the right time, and if you’re already addicted to the word "sorry," you’ve got to learn new synonyms, words, or phrases to replace "sorry." That way, you’ll have a lot of time to think about why you’re saying sorry in the first place. Learn to practice pauses and only say sorry when necessary.
Accept Your Unique Self: Practice self-love, self-compassion, self-validation, self-confidence, or anything that concerns your mental health. The harsh truth is that you’ve been emotionally and physically traumatized by these toxic experiences. Hence, you’ve lost your identity. So, practice healthy mental activities that’ll make you align with your higher self and the universe.
Learn to Accept Rejection, Your Fears, and the Fact That “Not Everyone Will Like You”: Bundle these fears and lock them in a box, then throw them far away where eyes can’t see. We’re not talking about ignoring these feelings; we’re talking about strictly giving them attention and overcoming them. Accept rejections; they’ll only make you stronger. Don’t settle for mediocrity. People will always talk and envy you, so don’t worry too much about what they think or say. It’s hard, but at least giving it a try will save your future self. This new change will not happen immediately; it might take months and sometimes years.
Be Kind to Your Inner Self: There might be a couple of relapses during this new change. Well, here’s just a quick reminder that you’re not defined by your mistakes but are led by your new, rebranded future self. Show yourself kindness, and when you fall, dust yourself off and get back up.
Identify Toxic Traits and Set Boundaries: These traits are easily noticeable, but when you’re the victim, they seem normal. People might intentionally or unintentionally use you, but the point is that you’re being used. If a person reacts negatively when you try to go against them, that’s a red flag! There’s a limit, and you are in charge of creating that limit. Set and utilize these boundaries. If they can’t accept it, then they should leave, not you. Understand that they’re going against your mental health, your emotional and physical well-being, and your higher self.
Break The Pattern And Be Free
People-pleasing is not a curse but a bad habit. Share your thoughts and feelings with genuine listeners that you think might help you through your journey. You could start by journaling your thoughts if you’re skeptical about sharing your feelings with someone else. Find someone who’s genuine and trusted; they’ll help you identify your people-pleasing ways and will support you through your new revolution. Don’t forget to take notes and practice healthy habits that will help protect your well-being.
Thank you for reading all the way to the end; by doing so, you've taken one step closer to being the best version of yourself.
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